Friday, March 27, 2009

Oilers v. Ducks - Judges 16:1-17

After many years Pronger moved to Edmonton, and there he saw a fine-looking woman, and he went in to her. The media were told that Pronger had arrived and said to one another, "Pronger has come here! I think he is with a woman!" So they surrounded the place at the orders of their leader, Mr. Strachan, and set an ambush for him all night in front of the woman's house. They kept quiet all night, saying, "We need to wait until he comes out of there in the light of the morning; then we will take pictures." But Pronger awoke at midnight, looked down once again at the woman and snuck out the back door.

After this, when winter came, he loved a woman in the downtown core. So the media came up to her and said, "Seduce him, and see where his great strength lies and what he thinks about Edmonton so that we will have many stories to write, both about his power and about this terrible free-agent repelling city! We will each give you both anonymity in our stories and a hefty sum." So the woman said to Pronger, "You must tell me where your great strength lies and your feelings about the coming bitter January cold."

Pronger said to her, "I will love this city even in the bitter January cold and I always wear a lucky green undershirt in order to play my best." Now she was wearing a wire and when he slipped off her shirt he saw it and the next morning in the paper it was reported that Chris loved Edmonton and had a lucky green shirt. When Chris denied the shirt rumour to the media, Strachan was proved wrong, so the secret of his strength was not known.

On their next illicit rendez-vous the woman said to Pronger, "You have mocked me and told me lies! Please tell me the source of your strength and what might get you off of your game." And he said to her, "If they use racial slurs on my teammates then I will become frustrated and play poorly." So the woman brought this news to Strachan. He was unsure of it so he decided to pass it along to someone who would test the information. This set off a seven game losing streak. Seven being the number of completeness, Strachan concluded that the report was true so he reported that Pronger had been ruined by the racially insensitive remarks and that his play would not recover. The Oilers then won five consecutive games.

Then the woman went back to Pronger and said, "Until now you have mocked me and told me lies. Tell me the source of your strength!" Pronger knew that she was upset and wasn't sure what to do. He had been used to these visits being fun. He said to her, "If you make love to me seven times in the next week then my play will become like that of my brother." So she came to Californi(cation)a for the last half of January. Each morning he would wake up and say that he was in a weakened state but his play continued as usual.

At the end of the trip she said to him, "How can you say, 'I love you,' when your heart is not with me? You have mocked me these three times, and you have not told me where your great strength lies. I am going to tell your wife!" When she pressed him in this way his soul was vexed to death. He immediately went to Kevin Lowe and asked for a trade. When he came back to her he said, "I will tell you the truth! You must not tell my wife! It is the Orbs! The Orbs of Power that give both me and my team our strength!"


doritogrande said...

Alas, but the orbs of power have naught been seen since they were thus banished in shame during the tithing of the Edmonton Oilers. So sayeth the Battle of Alberta scribes.

Scott said...

It is so doritogrande. I'm just filling out the full story of their shame. The second half of this story is still to come.